Sin, I pick, My Strong

I always find it interesting what He speaks to me through.  I suppose He uses whatever we allow in front of us to try to get our attention.  Friday, I was watching a Canadian film the other night called ROOM.  I admit it was an odd movie, that I was not sure that I would enjoy.  Ultimately, the movie ended up being better than it looked to be as it began.

The story is about a child that was born in captivity who knew life only in the room where he and his mother were being held captive.  He was not aware of his captivity.   When his mother finally was honest with him, she devised a plan and due to the child’s bravery were both able to get free.  The story shows his journey to accept the surroundings of his new world.  Towards the end he goes back to where he was held captive and he realizes how small the world really was in the room.

As I watched the movie I thought about how it mirrored my Christian walk. Instead of Room, it would be called Sin.  When sin entered the world, every life born after was born in captivity.  A sin filled life is all we know, and as such it is all normal to us.  We know nothing more.

Then one day someone introduces us to the truth. I am a sinner.  I don’t have to live like that, but I am a sinner.  It is scary to think of a life without sin, because sin is what I know.  While it is not good, it is what I know.

When I finally take the step of faith and accept Christ as my Savior, it is often into a world that is completely foreign to me.  It is a step that I have to take alone.  No one else is in that journey beside me, for even if they make the same decision, it is mine alone.

As I walk into Christianity, the language , the people, the expectations are all different.  It takes time for me to get use to life outside of sin.  I have to learn new things.  As my mind takes in new things, old things start to fall away.  Eventually I look at Sin and realize it was so much smaller than I believed it to be.  The hold it had is really in my mind.

There were two quotes that came up in the movie that spoke this even louder.   In two scenes, the line  “I pick, I pick for both of us.”  was stated.  The first was from the mother to the child as she told the child he would play dead to get out.  The child was scared.  He had never been outside of room, let alone away from his mother.  All of a sudden he would be doing both.  She was telling her son, he would take the risk because she was picking this time for the both of them.  Later, the child would tell his mother the same line.  When the child spoke those words back to his mother, I realized that the roles had reversed.

As I heard this line the second time, I heard God whisper “I pick, I pick for both of us.”  I realized that there was a time when although I had not spoken those words, that is what I was telling God.  He had guided me to something, but I was not willing to walk through the process.  I had said “No, I pick for both of us – and I’m not ready.”  God is a gentleman and He will not force my growth.

Now God was speaking them back to me.  “Jackie, I pick, I pick for both of us.” This year has been a year of growth for me.  I have been working on surrender in various areas of my life, to allow God to walk me through the process I need to get to my next steps.  I hear Him saying, “It is time, I pick, I pick for both of us.”  I know that if God has called me to it, I can trust Him to carry me through it.  He only wants good things for me.  I know that it is time.

There was another scene in the film that drew me deeper into this next step with God.   The little boy had long hair, until he was identified as a boy, I really thought he was a girl.  There was a quick reference at one point in the movie as to Samson getting his strength from his hair.  After the little boy and his mother had been freed from captivity the media were interested in the story, the mother finally consented to do a story.  The reporter made the mother appear to be the villain because she had not insisted that her capture take the baby when he was born to the hospital to be free.  Shortly after the mom attempts to take her own life.  The little boy finds her and the mother is taken away.

The child is left with his grandparents.  In a touching scene, the little boy comes out and asks the grandmother for scissors.  She asks him why, and he tells her he wants to cut his hair.  The grandmother is pleased with this, as she wanted it cut from the time she met him after they were released from captivity.  The grandmother agrees to cut his hair, starting with the pony that reaches his pant line.  She hands him the hair still bound by the pony tail and he asks her to give it to his mom saying “Can my strong be her strong too?”  He knew his mom was weak, and wanted to give her what he thought was his strength.

I heard again God whisper “My strong can be your strong too.”  II Corinthians 12:9 immediately came to my mind.  I admit in the midst of this growth process I feel extremely weak.  Being vulnerable, sharing feelings, taking risks makes me feel emotionally drained.   Most days, if I am working on my personal growth, I feel like I have nothing left at the end of the day.  Most days, I realize how much tension I am carrying in my body, and it physically hurts.  I know that God wants me to just hand it to Him and all His strong to by my strong too.

I realize I have just stepped in to this phase of my journey.  A journey where I am willing to trust God with everything.  I have been out of Sin for long enough to know it is smaller than I give it credit for.  There is a world filled with God that is so much more expansive and free that God wants to show to me.  I am ready to let God pick, pick for the both of us to allow His strong to be my strong too.  I am ready to release the weight of what I have been carrying and find rest and peace in Him.