There is a flip side to every story, even a bad one. Last night our women’s bible study group was discussing offenses. The passage was:
Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the Devil an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:26-27
The conversation turned towards how our words and actions cause others to take offense. I have had the conversation with countless people, family, friends, clients. It is a common theme, people wanting to take responsibility for how others feel.
I do not believe other’s feelings are something people should take on for themselves. I am responsible for my actions, if I wrong someone I have responsibility in that. If by my actions someone takes offense, I am responsible for my actions, not their offense. I am responsible for how I feel, not how others feel. If my actions make me feel a certain way towards someone, then I need to address it. If I am feeling convicted, I need to make it right; not because I caused someone to feel offended, but because I am convicted. I need to make things right, so I am right with God. My actions are not based on their feelings, but mine.
The flip side of being responsible for someone’s negative feelings, is that I would also be responsible for their positive emotions. Trying to control someone else’s moods is too much responsibility. It is a full time job. Multiple it by every person that you have chance to offend, and the job is insurmountable. We can not take on responsibility for other’s emotions, good or bad. Trying to control my own emotions is enough responsibility.
This is one of those areas where my career field backs up my point-of-view. I have seen too many abusers use the line “if you hadn’t made me mad.” Or blame their feelings caused by another to manipulate a child into actions that no child should have to do. Control is something that is given. When we take on responsibility for other’s emotions, we are giving them a way to control us. Learning that we are not responsible for another’s emotions, helps create a boundary that people with abusive tendencies can not use to be given control.
Helping others take responsibility for their own emotions, and knowing that we are responsible for our emotions helps develop a clear boundary. It helps to prevent enmeshment. It helps to easily define where one person starts and the other begins emotionally.
We all have times that we feel the need to take on another’s emotions or feel responsible for them. However, we should not take on that responsibility. It is too much for one person to carry another’s feelings. It can lead to abusive relationships and negative issues of power and control. It also helps to define clear boundaries in relationships.
Yes, there are going to be obstacles, instead of focusing on the obstacle, focus on the solution. Instead of saying “I don’t have the funds for this.” Say “I need wisdom for how to finance this part of my dream.” It is about reframing statements into a positive mindset.
During times of struggle in our marriage, it seemed like only one of us would be focused on making our marriage stronger. The other seemed to at least resist, and sometimes downright fight against it. There have been many times were we were two people living under the same roof, more like roommates than husband and wife. Other times, out of desperation from one party or the other, we would be in counseling and for brief periods focus together on our marriage. Probably more often, we glide through things with the familiarity and comfort that come from twenty-six years together.
There was a song from a performance that my older sibling’s youth group did at our church called “Dreamer” about the life of Joseph. The song was called “He Will Carry You.” I have very few memories that are clear as a young child, but I still remember most of the words to that song. It is a powerful reminder when I feel overwhelmed, that God will carry me.
If something is important, aka like your purpose, your family and friends, God, etc. It deserves your whole focus. Not that at times there might not be interruptions, but every attempt should be made to give your undivided attention, on a regular basis for an allotted period of time. Nothing else should get your attention when your focus is something or someone that is in a place of priority in your life. It should be a rare occasion, not a regular occurrence.
I completed the 5K. I finished in under an hour which was my goal. When I set out, I really had hoped to run more of it. I finished last, which was not my goal. Other people complained of body aches, mine was breathing. I walk a 5K most days at work.
This morning while I was getting ready for work, another author captured my attention with how important it is to write daily, consistently. Not just for 31 days, but to set aside time daily for that purpose. I have heard it again and again, but today it just captured my focus. I have several writing projects that have been sitting for way too long. I need to allow a period of time in my daily schedule to chip away at it, just as I do with other things of purpose. I need to continue this habit, even outside of the #Write31Day challenge, even if it doesn’t go on this blog so that I can finish the projects deep inside my heart. I have to capture the moment, instead of just waiting for it to happen.
Sometimes the dream gets stolen from you. Other times you burn out just trying to make it happen. Still other times a dream feels lost just by circumstances that are surrounding you. Regardless of the cause, it is important to be productive if you need to take a brief break from your focus. It serves nothing to take a brief break and allow yourself to have a long pity party or to engage in destructive behaviors during that brief time.
This blog is part of a #Write31Days series on Focus with prompts by #FMFParty. Write 31 Days is an online writing challenge, where bloggers pick one topic and write a post on that topic every day. Five Minute Fridays provides prompts and encourages writers to free write for five minutes on the prompt.
If you don’t know people who have the same focus as you, it is worth finding them. Pert of the fun will be the search, because just because others are in the area that you are interested in, does not mean they have the same focus. I have worked with people, in the helping field, who had a totally different focus than I did, despite working with the same population. Keep searching until you find your tribe, you will know when you find them.