Restoring Voice

“They refused to listen, And did not remember Your wondrous deeds which You had performed among them; So they became stubborn and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But You are a God of forgiveness, Gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness; And You did not forsake them.” Nehemiah‬ ‭9:17‬

This passage came up in our women’s Bible study group. Our study is about emotional and verbal abuse. Our discussion turned to how sometimes we feel unheard and in appreciated in our roles, as parents, spouses, and even leaders. How sometimes we deal with the stubbornness in others.

As I read this passage, I realized how much our behavior as Christian’s often reflects that of our children. We refuse to listen, just like our children. He tries to direct us away from danger; instead we forge our own paths. We ask for His guidance, but if it doesn’t match our plan or path, we chose not to listen. We do our own thing; yet, act like it’s God’s fault when things go astray.

As parents, we often feel taken for granted. Our kids take a “no” like that is the only word we have ever said. In the moment, they can lead us to feel like as parents we have never done anything good for them. They can easily forget the wondrous deeds we have done for them.

Stubborn, it’s a word often used to describe God’s chose people in the Old Testament. For me personally, my children’s stubbornness rubs against my own stubbornness. A matter of wills, where one party always loses. It is the same with the Lord. We know in our heart that God’s way is the best, but getting past our own stubbornness, our flesh, our will must lose. Only one will can rule.

When we chose our flesh to lead, it takes us back into the slavery that Christ freed us from. It leads to our destruction. As a child, when I lead the way I often found myself with a loss of privilege or grounded. I was a slave to my choices.

So how did God deal with His children when they didn’t listen, took Him for granted, were stubborn and were following a leader back into slavery? Nehemiah gives us a look into God’s parenting of His problem children.

Forgiveness. God is quick to forgive. He doesn’t carry around a list of our failures. For us, on this side of the cross and empty tomb, forgiveness is complete. Our sins are wiped as far as the east is from the west. We have to be willing to forgive our children. Quickly. We can not carry their wrong doings around reminding them or ourselves of the past mistakes.

Gracious. Showing divine grace, help given by God not because we deserve it. God helps us, often in ways we really can’t even imagine. We have to give our children that same grace. We have to be willing to help, to walk along side them as they navigate growing up. Sometimes they will ask, other times we need to go to them, just as God does with us.

Compassionate. Having concern or care for others. God is compassionate towards us. He cares about the little details, even though He is a great big God. We have to show that same compassion to our children. We need to validate the things that are on their minds, the things they care about, even if they aren’t that big to us, they usually are to them. If we don’t show them they can trust us with the little things, we can’t expect them to bring the big things to us.

Abounding in lovingkindness. Abundant tenderness, gentleness, kindness and consideration. Gentleness, kindness, love these are fruit of the Spirt, part of God’s very character. We have to stay connected to Him to be able to respond abounding in lovingkindness towards our children. It is easy to make excuses: they don’t listen if I’m gentle, it is just my personality. However, with God’s help we can respond the same way (it comes easier when you get promoted to grandparent, at least with the grandkids, so it’s possible).

Slow to anger. I am so grateful that God is slow to anger, because I know I have given Him plenty of cause. I know for myself personally, I have to abide in Him to be slow to anger. I can go from zero to one hundred and twenty in the snap of a finger if I do not allow Him to lead. One of the fruit of the Spirit, is self-control. While our children may know how to push our buttons, we are still responsible for being slow to anger. We may need to take a time out for ourselves before getting into a conversation so that we can walk out being slow to anger.

You did not forsake them. Forsake, Abandon. God does not abandon us. He may let us face the consequences of our actions, but He never leaves us. We reach out and He meets us right where we are. He loves us where we are. His love doesn’t change, our access to Him does not change thanks to the finished work of the cross. In a world that preaches tough love, there is an ability as a parent yo set boundaries with our children without abandoning them. We shouldn’t shut our children out of our lives even if we can’t have them in our homes or daily lives.

God has so many examples for us in the Word. It is living and applicable to our lives. As parents we often deal with stubborn, defiant, unappreciative children. God does to. We can try to parent our own way, or we can follow His example and parent problems God’s way. We be quick to forgive, offer grace, be caring about where our children are and what bothers them. We can be gentle and kind, take steps to control our own anger and emotion, and not abandon them even as we set boundaries. Parenting isn’t easy, but with God’s help we can be led by Him.

When death comes, it is hard to know when and where the grieving process will begin or end. For some it can start before death happens, for others it comes in waves. Grief is healthy and a necessary thing, but often hard to sit with at times.

My nephew Shane died June 1st. I shed no tears when I got the news from my sister. I knew he had been in pain, and was no longer suffering. Cancer may have taken its toll on his physical body, but he stepped into eternity with Jesus. I have peace in my soul because of that knowledge.

When I talked to my kids, who are all around his same age, I shed a few tears. My momma heart knew they were hurting and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain of losing someone they were close to growing up. I know how hard it is to lose someone close in age. We were separated in distance and phones just don’t provide the physical comfort.

Over the day leading up to the visitation, I shed more tears, but never that soul cleansing kind. The deep cry that can reassure me, I am not just avoiding. I am good at avoiding painful emotions. The tears I shed were few and more for the pain I knew others were experiencing.

Sometimes when that happens, I give myself an out, especially when I have God’s peace. I had told my friend, it is not about me. I won’t let it be. I won’t make it.

I also knew with Shane I couldn’t setttle for avoiding. Growing up, he and his older brother were always at my house. Not that they didn’t have parents actively involved in their lives and extended family, but they were with us most weekends. My kids were close with their cousins, just as I had been with mine. They had the advantage of being close in age.

In addition to my love for him, he was only 26. He hadn’t got to live life. I was also holding out for God to show up in a powerful healing of Shane’s body. I wanted God to show up and show off, because Shane was an amazing person, full of God’s spiritual fruit. He was a light, even when he wasn’t trying to be. I knew I had some feelings I needed to give back to God that only He could handle. But they were not coming.

When I turned into the cemetery for his funeral, seeing the hearse and the graveside setup choked me up. I did not expect to have a meltdown before the service began. The funeral director asked for the family to sit in the chairs. They were trying to get me to sit there and I let them know it was for his parents and siblings. I set out to get them in the chairs.

After his parents and siblings sat there were 3 empty seats. I stood there looking at the seats trying to figure out who needed to sit in them. When I do family counts for things I start with the oldest (or youngest) and make my way through the family. I make sure to include spouses and children, and so it is kind of a systematic habit. I started with the baby because he was sitting next to my sister. I went to look for Shane to get him in the chair next to his brother and I lost it. I had to cover my face and walk away.

I took the tissue from my sister-in-law. I took the hug from my niece and nephew. I held tightly to my granddaughter and let the sobs come. I let the memories flood and count the blessing of having so many with him.

There will always be an empty chair. One for him, one for my parents. I had to place each of them there in my mind so I could be in the moment with my sorrow. So I could be in the moment of his service. So I could hear the beautiful words that my sister had written and pay tribute to his life.

I let God have the anger I have at cancer and that despite all the money that goes to it there is still no cure. I let go of the disappointment that Shane didn’t get a healing miracle this side of Heaven. I let go of all the should’ve and could’ve that like to run through my mind. Shane is with the Lord. He is with his grandparents who he loved dearly. He is completely healed. He is pain free. Despite the empty chair, I will spend eternity with him one day. I know God’s ways are higher than mine, and I know my nephew can see the empty chair where he is waiting for me.