Restoring Voice

I have a bad habit.  I never thought of it as one until this week, but there it was staring me in the face, across multiple settings.  I suppose I have always done it, as a child, I was the youngest of five siblings.  I thought everyone knew everything, except me.  I learned to be a good listener so I could “be in the know.”  However, I have a personality that values privacy;  I learned to isolate, so that not everyone would be “in the know” about me.

Somewhere along the way, the social butterfly who only isolated for self-protection when needed, became all about self-protection.  I have tried to tear down the walls over the past five years, but realized that they are ever-present over the past few weeks.

I know that I tend to keep areas of my life separate, when I lived in a small town it was necessary just to be able to refresh and to maintain confidentiality.  I have tried to overcome that desire over the past few years since moving back home, inviting parts of my life to over lap.  I still tend to back off when I do that, in part because I want others to connect with the bigger cause, not just follow me; but other reasons are harder to explain.

When I learned about the Enneagram, I was so excited to hear that it is just part of my personality and not some deeper seeded thing I have not yet discovered.  The truth is, I am generally the same person regardless of where I am, so I am can’t really define the need to keep things separate.

Despite knowing this about myself, I still tend to think that I am an open book.  There is not a part of my life I won’t talk about, if it is relative or someone asks a question.  I can openly talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of my life.  I  realized, most people don’t ask questions.

The first came in a conversation with someone from church.  I have been attending church with them for almost a decade.  I taught the person’s children in children’s church class, for several years.  The person caught me before church, and mentioned not knowing I was married.  Now, my husband doesn’t go to church with me, so I understand a little.  He has been to several services and other church activities over the years  and I have always wore my wedding ring.  The conversation that followed was encouraging as the person heard the testimony of our journey in marriage, which was something that the person had been praying for in extended family.

The second happened in an innocent conversation with my coworkers.  Part of me feels honored about what followed, the other part made me was a little hurt at how little my coworkers know about me.  It started with a Facebook post that said something along the lines of “Those who know me best would say I love____”.  The answers that followed quickly for each coworker were a chorus of voices along the lines of certain animals, certain foods, hobbies, etc. When it came to me there was a pause and then “The Lord.”  Absolutely true.  He is first and foremost in my life.

The insecure thought immediately popped in my head “I would hope to say the same thing about the majority of my coworkers who are also professed believers.” which I did say.  After they finished and thought a little more one mentioned volunteering and my grandchildren as alternatives.  I suppose in thinking about it, I don’t talk about myself much.

The last was more of a personal observation than someone else making me aware.  I have been feeling pretty terrible for about the past month and a half but have continued to go on with life as normal.  Initially, I blamed my symptoms on refinishing my table, then moving and getting settled in our new home.  As I continued to feel bad, I isolated myself, very few people knew how bad I was really feeling or the extent of my symptoms.

I don’t generally talk about not feeling well, because I believe in speaking faith.  Too often, people respond with general comments of  concern that are not in faith but instead plant seeds of worry.  When directly asked, I answered and I was encouraged to go to my primary doctor immediately.

Proving my point, three different people who became aware of my symptoms  were diagnosing me with major problems.  I finally went to the doctor, and have some significant vitamin deficiencies but otherwise all other testing was within normal limits and the images didn’t cause the doctor concern.  Having to take off work, I needed coworkers to cover me while I stepped out for my appointment and then follow-up imaging, my coworkers were shocked at how bad I had been feeling or for how long it had been occurring.

I thought that I have been insulating myself, I didn’t realize I was really still isolating myself.  It is hard to be known when old patterns of behavior keep you from connecting.  Habits that are created over a lifetime often feel like they are changing even when little really is.  I am not sure that I am ready to break the habit completely, although I will try a little more to connect when I would usually just back off.

I found myself the other day thinking that possibly my friends that had not made it to adulthood had the better life.  I am not suicidal or wish for death.  Those of us left behind, we miss them; those who are now gone from my life are in the presence of God.   All the heartache I have had in my life, they were able to miss by leaving this world so early in their lives.   As I paused looking at the headstone of my parents, this thought came into my life.

The dash in my life is where God gets to be manifest.

Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary defines manifest as:

1 : readily perceived by the senses and especially by the sense of sight

2 : easily understood or recognized by the mind : obvious

With the dash of my life, I have the opportunity to allow others to readily perceive God by their senses and especially by sense of sight.  It should be just as obvious to those around me that I am God’s child as it is that my children belong to me.  Other’s minds should recognize and easily understand that there is something that make me different, and should be drawn to the One who makes that difference in me.

I don’t get to sit at His feet just yet as those who have passed away do.  However, I am able to live with His Presence in me and be His hands and feet to the world around me.  I have the opportunity daily to let Him manifest though me.  I admit I get it wrong, a lot.  There are a lot of times that God is not manifest in me.  Yet, His grace covers the dash of my life.  And the times that I have paid attention to that manifestation have been some of the greatest blessings in my life.  I believe there are more times though, that I don’t see what others can see.  I say that just based on comments to me of other’s perceptions of me.

The dash doesn’t just represent His manifestation through me, but also to me.  The dash  represents the seeds that have been planted in my life.  For over forty years I have had people who came along side me with teaching, training, encouragement, support and love.  Sometimes for just a brief moment.  Other times for decades.  Yet each time, their dash joined mine.  Together, in relationship God was manifest.  Now every time those lessons or words of encouragement come to mind and strengthen me when I am weak,  He is manifested.

When I pause to really think about that, I am overwhelmed with His presence and gratitude.  Some of those people may never know how their lives touched mine, the impact their obedience to God made to me.  I have been blessed several times in the recent past to share with some of those other life dashes just how they impacted my life.  I am always amazed at the timing of God as our paths cross again, even if just briefly and that He allows me to speak back into their lives.

The dash also represents the seeds I have planted in the lives of others. The ones that have not yet manifested.  The people I have been granted an opportunity to minister to through the years.  The children, the parents, the coworkers, and friends that have pulled from the resources that are in my life.  Or those who have unknowingly had seeds dropped into their life through me that one day will spring forth from their life.

The dash, it may never seem long enough.  There are times where I wish I could just have one more day with friends, my parents, my grandparents and other family and friends that have died.  Yet I am sure, in all their love for me they would not trade where they are for one more day with me on this earth.  They are all now free from heartache and tears.  Their dash has ended, but the seeds they planted remain.  One thing that I have, that my friends did not have, is a longer dash.  It  may not be longer on the gravestone, but I have a longer time to live it out.  It is up to me how much I allow Him to manifest.

Kairos that was the word that kept running through my mind. Divine, opportune time. That is what I take that word to mean. Versus Chronos which is more of  a linear time.

I think about a conversation with a counselor friend of mine. She was frustrated because the population we were working with didn’t seem to be taking in the information she was presenting. However, I had some guest speakers come in and share the same information and the epiphany was happening among the population.  I highly doubt that it was the presentation given by the guest, but more of the timing of the material.

Or like children who hear a parent’s words, and they go in one ear and out another.  Then someone else presents the same concept or idea, and the child latches on to it like it is the best advise anyone has ever provided.  The child also generally presents it as a new idea to the same parent who has been offering the exact same advise for years.  It is the timing of the message.

I do this to God also.  I started realizing about a decade ago that generally God had to tell me something three times to grab my attention.  I found myself hearing different people speaking the same message.   This often meant I was missing the Kairos of His timing.  As He brought this time my attention, I began seeing the threes come more quickly, instead of hearing the same thing over weeks, I found various speakers speaking a timely word as I flipped through the channels.

Kairos’ moments happen when I release the control I think I have and place my trust in Him.  So often I spend time trying to make things happen that are out of His timing.   Sometimes He allows me to have my way, and I end up resenting the results.  He doesn’t allow me to have His results in my timing.  I can’t have my way and His will at the same time.  I can not have control and think that His hand is guiding me. 

God’s timing is perfect.  When He speaks, each ear listening can have a rhema word in that kairos’ moment. God can do more in one moment than all the most persuasive and motivational speeches from a person can do in a lifetime. He knows the things we don’t.  He can give us the knowledge needed to speak words that cut through all the walls, all the resistance, and go straight to the heart of the issue.  I have to be listening though, in tuned to His voice to hear His promptings, to catch His timing.

I wish I could say that I get it right 100% of the time.  I don’t.  I wish I could say that I don’t miss His kairos’ moments.  I do.  I wish I could say that I always listen when He speaks.  I don’t.  I am a work in progress. I know He will keep working on me in His timing.

Kasl writes: “to become aware of unfinished business in your life, ask yourself the following five questions.”
Who comes to mind when I think of unresolved grief, hurt, or pain?
To whom do I need to apologize?
With whom do I need to talk over conflict and seek some form of resolution?
To whom do I need to send thanks?
What are the conclusions I’ve made about myself that relate to these situations?

When I wrote about this in September 2017, I could think of only one piece of unfinished business in my life. I didn’t know that I would only have five months to reconnect and resolve before that door closed forever, but it did. I will be forever grateful that I was able to find healing to the grief and hurt, to walk out my apology and to find resolution. I know that God’s hand was on my journey to complete that unfinished business.

I am not a person who likes to live with regrets or have unfinished business.  I don’t like to leave things unsaid or undone.  Through the years I have said my fair share of apologies; often apologies from decades before as I come across something that reminds me of words and actions that shouldn’t have happened.

I have made peace with past hurts caused by others.  I have no control over other’s actions or remorse.  I can only allow God to reveal hurts to me and help me to extend grace and mercy to the one who has hurt me.  At times, God has restored that relationship.  Other times, extending forgiveness releases me and reconciliation does not occur.

I give thanks to those who have walked with me on my journey to where I am now.  To those who have hurt me, thank you for the things that I learned from you, both good and bad. You have helped me to become the person I am today. To those who I have hurt, thank you for extending forgiveness and grace to me.  Thank you for holding me accountable and helping me grow. To those who have just stood beside me as I processed past hurt and pain, thank you for the shoulders to cry on, words of advice and encouragement and the arms that supported me when I felt like I couldn’t handle any more.  Thank you for helping me handle my unfinished business.

This post is prompted by Tara-Nicholle Nelson’s 30 Day Writing Challenge for Conscious Leaders