Growth Process

Posted on March 31, 2019 by

For the past two decades I have been journaling during my quiet time.  Recently I started to feel like I should go back and review those journals and type out the lessons.

  • There are many things that I have learned over the years that are engrained in my life, they have become part of who I am.
  • There are some lessons, that like the parable of the seed, fell on bad ground.  At the time in my life I was not in a place that those seeds could take root.  I need to be reminded of those so that I can continue to grow.
  • There are some lesson that I am still learning.  Things I know that God continues to show me time and time again, like the children of Israel because I need them to move forward in my journey.   I need to review them so I can move forward.Growthprocess

These journals are not in order.  I will do my best to date them as they happened, even if they are not typed in that order.  I am hopeful that my journey may help others.  Help others to see:

  • It is okay to start somewhere.
  • That God meets us right where we are
  • He speaks to us in a way that we can understand.
  • Sometimes it comes in waves and other times in a single sentence.

For me, I grew up in church but never learned about a personal relationship with a heavenly Father that loves me.  I could quote the scriptures and tell the stories, but they were just that words and stories.  I had to start with learning lessons in general.  Grand ideas found in the scripture that were applicable to lives in general.  Then I started to learn how to apply them to my own life.  Now I am able to help others apply the lessons to their life.  If nothing else, I hope that it helps you to grow in faith because for the most part, the person who wrote these journals, is a life transformed.  The Growth link at the top will house this journey through my journals.

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Led or Dragged

Posted on May 13, 2019 by

My grandchildren are one, four, six and twelve.  They are little sponges, soaking in everything from the world around them.  I learn so much about the world and often my own self, when I see things through their eyes.  My favorite thing though, is when God speaks to me through them.  Sunday, He definitely caught my attention through them.

My two middle grandchildren attend church with me when they are in town.  This is something they have done since the older of the two was about a month old, and so it is just part of our time together.  On Sunday mornings we go in early to pray before the praise and worship team practice and before people really start arriving.  Usually we walk around the chairs and pray over those who will soon fill them, in addition to the service in general.  Then the children will typically sit on either side of me until those people there early come together for a corporate prayer.  It might be about 30 to 40 minutes, and generally they do pretty good.

Sunday they were a little wired, because it had been cold and they had been inside most of the weekend.  Mimi was a little tired from staying up late, so it was not a good combination.  Little things they were doing which typically I would not have taken notice of were getting on my nerves, which was distracting me from what I was there to do – pray.  Yet even in the midst, God was speaking to my heart.

My grandson gently took my hand, wanting me to walk with him.  I took his hand, initially not knowing where we were going, and willingly followed.  He led me to the chairs, he wanted to walk through them again.  While I know they do not fully comprehend why I walk around and touch every chair while I pray, he wanted to do it a second time.    I heard that still, small voice, whisper, “You can follow me the same way.  Take my hand and trust I will not lead you anywhere that is not good for you.”

childledOn the surface, I know God won’t take me anywhere I shouldn’t be.  Yet so often I resist.  I want to be in control.  I want to know the plan; preferably the whole plan, not just one step ahead of me planning.  God is looking for someone who will obediently follow.  He is looking for that child-like faith that just says “okay.”  He is looking for a trust that will go even when it doesn’t understand.  He is looking for that from me.

As corporate prayer ended, my granddaughter took my hands and started pulling me out of the sanctuary.  Following prayer, they go have a donut.  She wants the one with the sprinkles and most of the donuts are just the glazed yeast donuts, so she was a girl on a mission.  I was not in any hurry.  She was literally dragging me out.

That is unfortunately how God often has to lead me, I felt that  thought quicken in my spirit.  I am not resisting completely, but I am not cooperating.  I am not throwing a tantrum, but He has to drag me around to where He wants me to be willing to go.  He is a God on a mission, and I am hem-hawing around taking my sweet time.   I don’t often think about the fact that time is short, and people are perishing.  I fail to consider how my delay can impact someone else’s journey.

At the end of the day, we all have a piece to play in God’s Kingdom.  A role that was designed for us to carry out.  The question is, will we all God to lead us?  Or will He have to drag us?

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Donor’s gift

Posted on May 11, 2019 by

April was organ donation awareness month. There were education flyers around my workplace to build awareness and to dispel myths. Flyers encouraging people to give the gift of life. There were a lot of misconceptions that I had about organ donation, I did not realize that I had. As I journaled this past week about the characteristics of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I couldn’t help but think of the coorelation with organ donation; some of the characteristics included gift, giver of life, life sustainer, etc.

DonationAs I laid down to sleep, I thought about the gift that God offers. He doesn’t put us on a list where we have to dot all our “i’s” and cross all our “t’s” to qualify. It is not a list where we wait for months or years hoping for our name to come up. He is there with the gift, ready as soon as we call on His name asking for Life. Yet so often, we treat God’s gift as if we are on a donor list. We think we have to get our life in order on our own before we can even come to Him. Yes, there may be things that need to change in our life, but change will come through Him once we accept His gift.

The other thing I thought about, which applies greatly to my own walk with God is how we use the gift He has given us. When a donor receives an organ, the have no choice about using it. Thier body may reject it, just as our flesh tries to reject what God has given us. However, if the gift is received it will serve the purpose it was intended by the giver.  They may have a part to play with certain medications or diet and exercise, but if a heart is transplanted it will beat and pump blood through the body without any effort from the recipient.

God offers each of us the gift of salvation. Jesus was the donor of that gift. We choose to receive His donation or not. It has already been donated, and the only expiration is our physical death. But each person has also been given gifts, through our talents and abilities. Just as an eye can not perform the function of a lung, or a liver perform the function of a heart, we each have a function to perform that is God given. Each person has a different expression of their gift of talents and abilities. This gift is ultimately given to benefit others and serve a kingdom purpose.

Just as organ donation is needed when one part fails or another overworks, when one Christian fails or another over performs, it impacts every other part of the body of Christ. Every time I fail to use my gifts for His plans and purposes, I reject Christ’s donation. When I reason with what I feel He has asked me to do, I reject His donation. When I excuse away my under or over performance, I reject His donation. My actions say “His gift is not enough to empower me to do what He asks of me.” Or worse my actions say, “His gift is not enough and I have to fill in the gap because otherwise everything will fail.”

The gift of life is a precious thing. Our Heavenly Father was the first donor for life; He donated His Son to give us an eternal life with Him.  God has blessed this world with the knowledge of ability to continue life through organ donation. Christ donated His entire life so that we could have life in Him. It is important that we not only accept His donor gift, but that we also use every gift He has given us to its fullest potential. We shouldn’t reject any part of the donor’s gift through our words and actions, but should use it to bring glory to the One who gave it all.

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The last miracle before death

Posted on April 22, 2019 by

Friday was Good Friday. My husband and I watched Mel Gibson’s 2004 movie, The Passion of the Christ. I wanted to pause to see a small reflection of what my Savior did to reconcile us back to relationship with God. The story of a love that cost Him everything, and yet was given so freely. I see the personal cost in that movie, and realize it doesn’t even scratch the surface of what was paid.

I was lost in my own thoughts, when my husbamd spoke up. He noted the last miracle Christ did before He died was for an enemy. I responded back,  “in reality every miracle was for an enemy.”  Every miracle Jesus had preformed was for a person who had not been reconciled back to Him at that point.

And behold, one of them that were with Jesus stretched out his hand, and drew his sword, and smote the servant of the high priest, and struck off his ear. Matthew 26:51

When those with him saw what was happening, they said, “Master, shall we fight?” One of them took a swing at the Chief Priest’s servant and cut off his right ear. Jesus said, “Let them be. Even in this.” Then, touching the servant’s ear, he healed him. Luke 22:49‭-‬51

It is a scene I have recounted; yet, a perspective in the last days of Christ I missed. I have thought about the thieves on the cross and the mocking soldiers. I have contemplated Peter’s denial and Judas’s betrayal. I have imagined the pain of the mother’s heart in seeing her Son die for her sins. I have most certainly thought of Jesus’s sacrifice and God’s heart for His children.

Jesus performed many miracles during His time on earth. Giving sight to the blind. Hearing to the deaf and mobility to the lame. He healed diseases and brought the dead back to life. Jesus cast out demons. Yet, most people who recieved miracles sought Him out for the healing. Or sometimes someone else sought out Jesus for the healing.

The last miracle that Jesus performed was not for someone seeking Him as Savior but someone seeking to destroy Him. He did not even ask Jesus for the healing. When the religious leaders and His enemies had demanded signs and wonders, Jesus did not comply. So why, when it came to the last few hours of His life, was it an enemy He reached out and healed?

miracleI have just been pondering that question.

Could it be so that we could trust Him in the pain we cause ourselves? This man would not have been injured had he not been with the party seeking to arrest Christ. He didn’t have to be taking part in this late night lynching.  He would not have had his ear cut off if he stayed home.

Too often I find my own actions cause a deeper pain than that others can inflict on me. Christ might have wanted me to have that reminder in the final hours of His life. Regardless of what I have done, I am never out of His healing reach.

Could it be so that when we follow others down the wrong path, we could trust Him in our hurts? Maybe the soldier would say, “I was just following orders. I didn’t know.”

Christ knew that people would often follow others farther down the wrong path than ever intended. Christ might have wanted to remind us that no matter how far we have went down the wrong path, He is there to bring complete healing. Regardless of who we have followed or where we have traveled, we are never out of the reach of His healing touch.

Or could it be, that Christ needed to bring healing to the hurt caused by His followers? The injury Jesus healed was caused by one of His closest disciples, Peter. Peter was not acting out of the love of Christ, but out of the reaction of his flesh.

Just then Simon Peter, who was carrying a sword, pulled it from its sheath and struck the Chief Priest’s servant, cutting off his right ear. Malchus was the servant’s name.
John 18:10

Christ knew that there would be times His followers would react in a character other than that of a Christ imitator. Christ knew at times those closest to Him would cause pain to others. Maybe Christ wanted to show in His final hours, that His healing touch is available even when the hurt comes from the bad reactions of one of His followers.

Or maybe it was not for the soldier at all, but could it be that Christ healed the soldier as a reminder to His followers?  Christ had taught the disciples to love their enemies, to pray for those who persecuted them.  Maybe He wanted the last miracle before His death to be a reminder to them of the life He had called them to live.

I often need a reminder that I am called to walk in love, to those closest to me and to those who are my enemies.  Maybe the last miracle before death was to be a legacy that would play our minds when we wanted to react in our flesh instead of in the love of Christ.

I will never fully understand this side of Heaven why Christ would make His last miracle before death be to someone who was not seeking a miracle but was seeking to destroy Him.  What I discovered in my pondering is that there is nothing I can do, no circumstance where I might find myself, no hurt caused by a Christian to deep, or action done out of anger that Christ can not heal.

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Revelation of Him

Posted on April 13, 2019 by

And from thence He arose, and went away into the borders of Tyre and Sidon. And He entered into a house, and would have no man know it; and He could not be hid. But straightway a woman, whose little daughter had an unclean spirit, having heard of Him, came and fell down at His feet.

Now the woman was a Greek, a Syrophoenician by race. And she besought Him that He would cast forth the demon out of her daughter.

And He said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet to take the children’s bread and cast it to the dogs.

But she answered and saith unto Him, Yea, Lord; even the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs.

And He said unto her, For this saying go thy way; the demon is gone out of thy daughter.

And she went away unto her house, and found the child laid upon the bed, and the demon gone out. Mark 7:24‭-‬30 ASV

This passage came up twice today, once in my morning devotion and again in our women’s bible study at church. I usually take notice of repeats, especially when they happen so close together.

revelationofHimThis scene always blows my mind when I read it.  I guess because I always try to read in the context of today’s culture.  I can not imagine this scene playing out today.  There would be cries of discrimination.  There would be social media posts about how Jesus called her a dog.  It is hard for me to read this outside that thought pattern.

Yet, this woman knew who she was.  That is clear from the text and her response.  She knew her place. She was an outsider, a foreigner, a woman, and yet she approached Jesus anyway. She trusted that He would heal her daughter. She was not bashful or offended, she was bold and audacious. This woman had a revelation of Him.  She knew the power of Christ and wanted what He could provide for her daughter.

In contrast, I am a daughter of Christ, I belong to Him.  I am a citizen of Heaven living on earth.  Yet, I so often fail to approach God with my needs.  I will go to Him, but I will not ask for what I want.  Even when I do, I do not often have the bold audacious faith that this woman did.  I sometimes have that faith and boldness for others, for larger needs, just not myself.   For myself, old messages of who I know I am speak louder that my revelation of Him.

Yet the truth is, I can approach the Lord knowing that He will hear.  His Word promises  He will hear; she had no promise, yet she approached anyway.  I need a revelation that I can come to Him. I need a revelation that even when I feel like I don’t even deserve the scraps,  He wants me to come anyway.  He wants me to ask.   I need the revelation of Him, that will give me far more than the scraps, He says “far more than I can ask think or pray.”

I need a revelation of Him and a revelation of who I am in Him and to Him.

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Legalistic Love

Posted on April 10, 2019 by

Legalistic.  When I think of religion, that is the first word that comes to mind.  As much as I know that Christianity is not a religion, but is a relationship, I still tend to be legalistic in certain things.  I see things as a policy in God’s Word rather than an expression of His love for us and our love for Him.

LegalisticloveOne aspect of legalism I struggle with is  trying to earn His love.  Although I would not have labeled it that way, I realize that I spent much of my life trying to earn God’s love and approval.  I thought if I just went to church enough, read the Bible enough, prayed more, served more that I could somehow undo years of complete disobedience.  At the time, I was blinded to the motive of my heart.  Yet when I didn’t “do something” I would condemn myself for failure.  The more I worked to earn God’s approval, the more frustrated I would become.  The reality is I knew I couldn’t measure up.  There were not enough hours in the day or in my life for me to make up for my sin.

I would run non-stop from early morning devotion time, to work, to volunteer or church, to family obligations, to collapsing in bed for a restless night of sleep, only to wake up and do it again, and again, and again.  Weekends I would spend catching up on all the things I let go through the week, trying to catch up with my extended family and a lot of self-loathing for all the failures of not living up to the standards that not only the world but also that “the church” places on people.  Day in day out, weeks turning into years and years turning into months, I was exhausted.

I don’t know when it began to click that I don’t have to earn God’s love.   I already have His love, it is unconditional.  He is love. I admit it is still a journey that I am learning to walk.  Battling the standards that are placed on me by society and still walking in obedience to what God wants me to do.  It is so easy to move into approval mode and act out of the checklist and obligation instead of obedience and love. I now find myself intentionally missing like a day of journaling just to remind myself it is not a check box for approval, but an act of devotion.  Or I will not make it to a late week service because I know that spending time with my husband can be just as much an act of love for God as sitting in a prayer meeting.  God knows my heart, and I already have His.

I realize that child-like faith combats the legalistic view of religion. I had paused on this comment, as I rocked my niece to sleep last night.  I had been working on the blog since last Wednesday.  I  had intended to finish Saturday night, but the kids had other plans.  I had to laugh, because my pastor preached on this today.  Guess it is a timely topic, or one which I needed reinforcing. I almost decided to delete the post, but figured I would just finish it out.  

There is a book that I read as a child, and I am pretty sure read to my children called “Where the Wild Things Are.”  The story, although I don’t remember all of it is about a little boy Max who gets sent to his room without supper for something.  He is angry, and escapes to a world of imagination where the wild things are.  There is some story where I am sure he starts out scared, then lets his anger help him scare the wild ones. Max ends up becoming king of the wild things, but eventually decides to go back home.  When returning to reality, he finds dinner waiting on him. Max never went anywhere.  He never did anything.  He didn’t have to.  Even though his parents were upset by His behavior, they never stopped loving Him.  Max’s provision was there.

I think that is a picture of God’s love.  We see correction, discipline, pruning as being sent to the room without supper.  We retreat to a world of self-pity and anger.  We allow the enemy to ride our emotions to the land of the Wild things where he makes us think that we are the king of the land.  We start to believe those lies as our thoughts focus on the wrongs that have been done to us, or even just to stay so distracted by the circumstances that are around us.  We get so wrapped up in our circumstances that we lose sight of the Truth.    We are working to make everything better in this land of fantasy.  In reality, if we would just open our eyes to the Truth before us, God has the supper waiting on us.  He already loves.  He already has provided the provision.

There is nothing that we have to do, except believe with child-like faith in God’s love for us.  God is just waiting for us to get beyond where we are and what we are going through to see who He is to receive it.

 

 

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Three little letters

Posted on April 7, 2019 by

My heart leapt from my chest when he uttered those three little letters.  I had no idea how much it would mean to me to hear him refer to it with that word.  We had talked many times about it, but today provided a level of hope for my soul that I hadn’t expected, especially based on three little letters. Continue reading →

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Intimacy

Posted on March 31, 2019 by

Songs speak to me. I suppose that is really what music is created to do. The pictures that I get listening to music often flood me with so many ideas that it is hard for me to pause and process. This morning me were singing of God’s reckless love and how He leaves the 99 to go after the one. That song has spoken to me for some time, because I know, that I have been that one.  I  recently finished reading about a Shepherd’s view of Psalms 23.  It gave me a  different perspective of God’s love that is sung about in Reckless Love.

intimacyI usually picture God waiting on me where I left Him. Times where I have walked away, disobeyed, or failed, I think of Him waiting on me to return to that spot. Waiting on me to repent, waiting on me to get my act together, waiting on me to surrender. At best, I picture Him calling out to me; like a parent calls for children at the door for dinner or an owner calls for a dog to come in. I knew He would call out to me, I just never pictured Him searching for me.

I thought about how I was pursued prior to marriage.  We had a few break-ups in our dating, and there was a pursuit during that time too.  I thought about how even now, if I have a disagreement with my husband, we may give each other some time, but one or both of us are going to go to the other for reconciliation.  If there has been a disagreement where one of us one walked away, or a hurt, or misunderstanding we are not just going to wait around and hope that things resolve on their own. Regardless of who is at fault, one of us will go to the other to restore the relationship and prevent further damage.

God pursued me before I came to know Him.  However, He does not stop pursuing me after I have accepted Him as Lord in my life.  Just as in marriage there is a continual pursuit, God continues to seek me out, just as I seek Him.  God may give me time, but if I don’t come back to Him to be restored, He will come find me. I learned that shepherd’s don’t wait around for stray sheep, they go after them. They look until they find them. Looking back, I see evidence of this in my own life so I don’t know where I got the idea that God was waiting where I left Him or let Him down.

We sang another song, “The More I Seek You. ” The song created such a picture of intimacy in my mind I was just trying to take it all in, His love is so deep.  The song talks about leaning into God, feeling His heartbeat.  It is such an intimate picture.

One of my favorite things is to just sink back into the safety of my husband’s arms.  Other than our children or grandchildren, no one else has that spot of intimacy. My relationship with God is one of intimacy, it is a reflection of marriage.  God desires that level of closeness with me.

He doesn’t just seek until He finds me, He brings me back into right relationship with Him. As a child, I remember two pictures of Jesus as a Shepherd. One Jesus held the lamb tenderly in His arms, the other He had the injured lamb on His shoulders. In both pictures, the lamb was doing nothing, it was Jesus who was making the effort. The lamb just held a position.

I know my position in my husband’s life, after I said “I do”, his wife became a position I held. It is one of intimacy. It is one of partnership. It is one of respect and submission, not out of fear or obligation but out of love. I am no less my husband’s wife when I let him down. My position as his wife doesn’t change just because we have a disagreement. I am still his wife even when he hurts my feelings. In fact,  we may become a little more intimate in reconciliation. We are still a married couple and can come together even when we have been on a different page for weeks, months or years. It is about knowing my position in his life, and knowing it exists, regardless of how either of us feel in the moment.

We must know our position in Christ. It was a finished work on the cross. Our position is solid regardless of our hurts, hangups and failures. We are still God’s children. We are still chosen, righteous and loved.  We can go to Him based on our relationship of intimacy with Him, our position and His love for us.  It is a place of safety and security, even when everything else around us is off.  We have to be willing to stand in that position regardless of what we have done.  Anything that speaks against our finished position in Christ is a lie from the enemy.  God wants the intimate relationship with His people.

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Daisies. A Picture of Mercy

Posted on March 24, 2019 by

Daisies. The picture was so clear in my mind. I am not a flower type girl. Flowers are beautiful to look at, some have a pleasing fragrant; I have never understood them outside of their natural setting though. So I had to look up what was so special about daisies that made them my focus. Webster’s Dictionary states:

The daisy flower does not just bud, blossom, and die like most other flowers. Rather it performs a daily routine of “sleeping” at night by closing and “waking” in the morning by opening up again. Because of this unusual trait and the whorled appearance of the flower, the daisy was given the Old English name dægeseage, meaning literally “day’s eye.” The distinctive ray-like appearance of the daisy as it opens and closes with the sun reminds one of an eye that opens in the morning and closes at night.

What a beautiful picture that created in my mind. Daisies are not mentioned in the Bible, but God’s mercy, His compassion are new every morning. His mercy is for the day, just like the cycle of a daisy. His mercy and compassion are not for the past and not for the future.

While He knows the full scope of our lives, His mercy and compassion are for the day at hand. Each day, He is there providing just what we need. It is up to each of us to accept what is there in the day. Each opportunity is in the moment. God’s eye is on us in the moment empowering us in that time to do what is necessary. His love is never ending, but each day is a fresh start.

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Expectation

Posted on March 14, 2019 by

The old way, with laws etched in stone, led to death, though it began with such glory that the people of Israel could not bear to look at Moses’ face. For his face shone with the glory of God, even though the brightness was already fading away.

Shouldn’t we expect far greater glory under the new way, now that the Holy Spirit is giving life? If the old way, which brings condemnation, was glorious, how much more glorious is the new way, which makes us right with God!

In fact, that first glory was not glorious at all compared with the overwhelming glory of the new way. So if the old way, which has been replaced, was glorious, how much more glorious is the new, which remains forever! Since this new way gives us such confidence, we can be very bold.

We are not like Moses, who put a veil over his face so the people of Israel would not see the glory, even though it was destined to fade away. But the people’s minds were hardened, and to this day whenever the old covenant is being read, the same veil covers their minds so they cannot understand the truth.

And this veil can be removed only by believing in Christ. Yes, even today when they read Moses’ writings, their hearts are covered with that veil, and they do not understand. But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.

For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.
2 Corinthians 3:7‭-‬18 NLT

My grandchildren have an expectation that when they are at Mimi’s house they will go to church. Yesterday I had a women’s meeting and when I came home I was met with “Why were you at church? We get to go tomorrow right?” Or when they have called me from home while I was at church, they asked similar questions. I love that they love church. They expect that they will be with me if I am at church.

Today I woke the grandkids up to get ready for church and walked back into my room to finish getting ready myself. A few minutes later, I heard a terrible cough; it sounded like a seal. Then I heard sobbing. I went to inspect, and discovered my granddaughter was devistated because her mom had said she couldnt go to church. She was at the point of making herself sick because she expected to go to church. Her brother and I prayed that she would feel better. We told her she could come with papa if she felt better.

As I drove to church, I thought about my own expectation level. Not just for going to church, but about really entering into His tangible presence, or in walking in the presence that is already available. Moses’ face shown with the glory, but we were intended for God’s glory because we exist from Him and for Him. Do I expect God’s glory to be seen in me? I think too often I am willing to settle like the children of Israel for witnessing His presence instead of experiening it like Moses.

I allow myself to be satisfied with veil covered glory instead of truely entering into His presence and expecting God to move. When I have a genuine expectation of God showing up, He does. It doesn’t usually look like I think it will, but it is always worth the time of preperation.

He wants His children to come to Him with bold expectations. He wants us to be confident of our position in Christ, as children of God. He wants us to expect His glory to show up, and to not settle for anything less. We should press in until He shows off. Our disappointment should move us to seek Him until we have His tangible presence.

When we press in, we will find a peace and freedom that comes only from Him. When He shows up, we can not help but be changed. We can not help but show off His glory when we meet with Him with great expectation.

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