Fears, Thoughts and Being

POD #4: Consciousness Crumbs – If there were one single thing that came into your consciousness in the last 72 hours which you would take a DustBuster to in order to get it out of your consciousness, your mind or your spirit, what would it be?

It’s hard to narrow down to a single thing something that I would remove from my conscience to get out of my life.  Initially, it took me some time to come up with anything – living in  the land of denial that I frequent.  I am fairly content with life and although I’m not perfect I have long resolved that I am a work in progress.

However, if I did have the power to suck from my conscience and truly my subconscious anything I would narrow it down to these three areas.  A fear, a habit, and a way of being.  I know that all stem from childhood.  A thought based in a misunderstanding of my surroundings based on my age at the time, and a lack of having anyone explain things too me in terms I understood.  This created a faulty foundation for the rest of my life to be built upon.  I am aware of each area, although it is only in the past five years I have had my eyes opened to what was going on inside me. I am making strides to charge in each area.  However, at times I feel completely powerless to make any changes, so if I could just remove the fear, the thought, and way of being completely, that would be cool.

My fear
The thing that keeps me from stepping out the most is fear of rejection.  Not rejection in the sense of “they hate me.”  I am not a person who needs everyone to like me.  If someone dislikes me, I’m okay with that.  I am not someone who will go out of my way to make sure that I am liked.  I am who I am, and people can take it or leave it.  I don’t stress over that type of rejection.

I fear rejection from the people who matter to me.  I can not count the number of times I hear about something in my small circles and “everyone” was there.  Yet, I had no idea about it.  Or I have heard “Oh, I forgot about you.”  It stings when people who have made a huge impact on my life, yet have no idea who I am.  The feeling of being unimportant to people who mean the world to me.

I often have the nagging fear that people just tolerate me.  They don’t hate me; they also don’t accept me.  When I am helpful, I am great to have around.  A lot of times though, I am excluded or just left out from things for whatever reason.  I can read whatever I want in to the action, it doesn’t change the fear.

I recently saw a therapist who put my fear into perspective for me.  His strategy doesn’t stop the thoughts from coming to me.  The strategy does give me the ability to combat the fear and continue to risk the rejection to build relationships.

A thought habit or pattern
The thought habit and pattern in my life the I would want removed is taking the easy way by getting others to do things or doing just enough to get by.    have explored the roots of this habit and have been able to successfully pull it out.  I have come up with pride, fear of failure,  being lazy, or that I get easily distracted and then bored.

It is interesting to me, because I am a very goal driven person.  I love to complete tasks, and at times I am very good at it.  However, if it is something outside my comfort zone, I move into manipulation, procrastination, completely stall out or just change the goal to something much different.  I have done it since junior high school, although probably if I asked my family I would learn I have been doing it much longer.

A few examples – in junior high school, I skipped a lot of school – three days shy of half a semester and I was still on the honor roll.  Instead of applying myself, I blew school off.  I was awarded a large scholarship at graduation, I didn’t use it.  I waited four years, and three kids to go back to school.  I took five years of Spanish in school – but refused to really do the work – I used translation services online and then just changed the few words that it made proper.  I wanted to start doing 5Ks for my health, I completed one and then stopped completely.  I was seeing great success with Weight Watchers, but now I’ve been “off track” for six months – attempting to lose the same ten pounds.  I will literally spend more time talking someone into doing something than it would take me to do myself just to get out of doing it.

It is a terrible pattern of behavior.  I would want to dust buster this habit out of my life because it keeps me from reaching my full potential.  I know that there is a lot more I could do, if I just applied myself.

A way of being  –
I tend to making things all about me – sometimes intentionally but often not.  To some extent, I know most people do it; entering a room thinking everyone’s looking or passing judgement.  The other thing I do that unintentionally makes it all about me is always having an opinion or something to say – even when silence is more appropriate.

It’s a part of my personality that is served me well through the years. However, as I grow older I realize how annoying it can be to others. Growing up my family let me make things all about me; I’m sure to take the focus off the dysfunctional going on all around me.   Literally I thought the world revolved around me until I was seventeen.   Yet as I look back,  it’s clear to see that it didn’t.  By keeping me entertained with myself, none of those older than me had to deal with the questions that I was really pondering in my head about my surroundings.  No one had to address the deep topics.

It is very easy for me now to slip back into thinking it is all about me, especially if I am around people who let me do this.  Expecting people to do what I want and how I want things done and getting my way can be a dangerous path.  I have a strong personality, and don’t particularly choose to be around other like-minded personalities in a peer or authority relationship by choice.

As I have recognized my personality flaws coupled with my choice in who I surround myself, I now try to make people aware that just because I strongly voice my opinion, does not mean I believe that my way is the only way even if I argue.  I also tell people, I don’t mean to be forceful or demanding, it is my personality and a part of me I am working to tame.  I try to limit the amount of time I spend with people who won’t stand up to me in some fashion.  I am working on staying silent more and only responding when directly asked or when the force is so great within me because it is something I know or am passionate about.  Until I tame this way of being, I would love a Dust Buster!

As I think about these three areas, I know I have come a long way.  I also know I have a lot of work to do.  I should not fear rejection.  I have to continue to take those thoughts captive and ask myself “What if they do reject you?”  I should apply myself to those things that I really want to accomplish, things that stretch me farther than I think I can with the purpose of personal growth.  I need to start making life more about those people who are around me and less about me.

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