I think the biggest surprise to me in my personal healing process has been that just when I think I healed in one area, suprise, suprise, I realize I’m not. I have realized that just as God takes us from faith to faith and glory to glory, He also takes us from level to level in healing. He knows that we can’t do all of the work up front. He lets us get to the point that we can walk out our healing successfully. Then He takes us to a deeper level in the healing process.
A few years ago I was hurt by someone I thought I could trust. The hurt went deeper than it might have as I had trusted her in a position of holding one of my deepest dreams. It went deeper because I had trusted her in a position of authority in my life, one I had placed her in. Then to top it all off, she was a woman of authority in the body of Christ, which hurt my already fragile relationship with other women in the body.
I had to start with forgiving those who were also involved with her. A few had warned me of her intent, but it had fallen on deaf ears. Others didn’t have my back, but I also had not really allowed them to know me well enough to see through the lies. One knew, but other than giving me the information in a roundabout way did not want to risk her own position to stand on the truth. Once I was able to let go of the anger, I had to move on to forgiveness. Then I had to make amends with those ladies. Then I had to do something to bless each of them.
It took on different looks with each person involved. Some received and while I will never call them friends, there is a mutual kindness when I see them. Others I still go to for help and they come to me when there is something I can do to help out. One refuses to talk to me, and I am at peace with that as I’ve done my part to live at peace with her.
Finally, all of you be like-minded and sympathetic, love one another, and be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9 CSB
I also had to forgive myself, for playing into the trap, for not heeding the warning, for allowing her actions to take me back to holding a grudge. Once I let go of the unforgiveness, I had to work at tearing back down the walls I wanted to protect me. Then I started working on letting those dreams resurface and come back alive. Now I am being called to walk it all out.
For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. Romans 11:29
I can’t allow what happened to derail what I feel God placed on my heart. As much as I wanted to, I could not allow the hurt to close me off from others. I had to, have to, need to, and now want to walk out my healing. From allowing myself to walk in the pain, to acknowledging what happened, to forgiving myself, and forgiving others, I had to chose to take it to the next level. Then I had to reach out and make amends even if the relationship could not be repaired or should not be restored to its previous status. Then came praying for and finding a way to bless those who hurt me. And then tearing down my own walls and allowing the dreams and passion to resurface. Now I have to get back to walking it out. And surprise, surprise God is there every step of the way giving me the grace to walk my healing out. He is rekindling the dreams of my heart.
This blog post is inspired by Anita Ojeda and the #Write28Days Challenge. The challenge is to write 28 days in February. For more posts on this topic go to Broken Vessel.