It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭29‬:‭25‬

Lately I have been second guessing everything I consider to be true of myself. I shared yesterday that although I consider myself content, in a recent study I recognized areas of discontentment.

This is another area that I have recently come to recognize that I was deceived. I kept a narrow view of wanting other’s approvals one that met my validated my definition. I don’t feel I need others to verbalize their approval of what I’m doing. I am not a follower. I don’t have the need to back down when I have to stand alone in my belief or thoughts.

Yet another Bible Study recently opened my eyes to how my view was too narrow. From YouVersion devotional God Hunger We live in a world dominated by an orphan spirit. It teaches people to be defensive, self-reliant, self-sufficient. It militates against the vulnerability and dependence called for by Father God as we take on His kingdom values.

We have been trained by an orphan world that says we must prove ourselves capable. This is a religious lie. We are not built for independence. In fact, the moment we decide to kill our independence, admit our own incapability, give up and look to the Father, is the moment of our greatest victory.

Am orphaned spirit feels the need to prove itself. While I can speak my mind, I will often stay quiet when I don’t feel as capable or knowledgeable as those around me. It in not in every circumstance, but in areas where I feel I should be capable or if I question if what I say will be received. It can even be something I will share openly with other people.

It took me a long time to feel comfortable praying or speaking out a word I felt prompted to say in front of spiritual leadership or a large group of spiritual peers. My memory is not always the best, but I can remember ever scenario I was not obedient to God’s prompting. The one that quickly comes to mind is a prayer meeting I attended and prayed at regularly.

This day was different because the pastor and other community pastors were there. I get prompted to pray repentance but they were focused on revival. It burned inside of me, but concerned of what they would think, I stayed silent. When I left one of my spiritual mentors walked out with me. She said “Jackie, you had something to pray out today.” I could not deny it, I shared with her what was deposited in my spirit.

I shared with her my concerns. How different the words I was given were from the pastors there. She reminded me revival can only come after repentance. She reminded me God’s Spirit in them is the same as His Spirit in me. I told her I could do better, sometime I struggle needing to get out of God’s way. I gave her permission that day to call on me in prayer if she knew I needed to pray something out. I knew I would not deny her request, especially if it was burning within me.

There are things I have stayed quiet about at work also. I will often use the excuse, it is not the hill I want to die on. If the majority of my team feels passionate about something and I disagree but not passionately, I will stay quiet. There are also time I will stay quiet because imposter syndrome creeps in. I start to question if I know as much or if my thoughts on a matter will contribute much.

My spiritual mentor is encouraged me to use the voice, wisdom and knowledge God wants to speak through me. She gave me a little tip for me to test myself, because I have told her I grew up wanting the attention, I never want that attention that belongs to God to come to me. She reminded me that my flesh will not want to do the uncomfortable. The enemy will not trick me into doing something that could further the Kingdom of God. So if those two float though my mind, I can be sure Holy Spirit is trying to move through me. I can be safe that my trust is in the Lord as I share.

I am still a work in progress, although better than I have been in the past. I have learned in my life if I do what I few Holy Spirit is leading me to do, I quickly move from that moment. It has never been about me. When I make it about me, and stay silent, I experience such deep sorrow and regret. I very much dislike that feeling. I am learning to stop trying to prove myself and be independent. If it is from God, He is responsible to prove Himself. My job is to stop looking to other for approval, and just trust the Lord and seek His approval.

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