Fully Formed in Love

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:17-18

Lucha shared the version message of this passage in our marriage class Saturday. Perfect love casts our fear. Yet there are many marriages where fear has creeped in, but there is no physical danger. There may be fear of a partner’s judgement that keeps us from truly walking in love.

As we did an assignment in the class, we were asked to share a timeline of things that shaped our relationship. We were looking at things that created how we view the world around us and the hidden issues in our relationships that could have been at work that still impact our relationship. Then we started to discuss our timeline with our spouse.

Having filed for divorce twice with my husband, I put those on the list. The issues surrounding the filing for divorce are resolved. I don’t think about it either, except as how they shape things for us. As we began to share, it was clear that my listing those things hurt him. It was especially hurtful since I had not listed any of my own personal transgressions that equally impacted our relationship. His timeline did not include either his or mine, he stayed positive.

I spent the rest of the weekend reflecting on the hidden issues behind my transgressions. When we discussed it, my husband made a valid point “He would have done anything for me”. Although we were dating at the time, four times I stepped out on him and developed a relationship with someone else. Three times it was on ongoing relationship, not an accidental mistake. At that time, my love was not mature. I was not mature. I was underage 20.

I thought about it, which I admit I have rarely given consideration to what was truly going on in me at the time. I stopped focusing on him and I took a good look at me. I am sure God wanted me to do this before, but I wasn’t ready. I have always known that I am a selfish person. I have been spoiled and as my husband pointed out to me on Saturday, he would have done anything for me. His life revolved around me. If he was not at work, he was with me unless he was asleep. We were good together. So why was I so quick to step out?

That took some soul searching. The first two, he was in jail. A teenager and my commitment was definitely not there. Out of sight, eventually out of mind. But the other two took me really looking at myself because we were not apart. We lived together. We had children. We had a life together. I thought about what was going on, our schedules were busy. He worked a lot. I just graduated high school and moved into my own place. I had my oldest daughter. We had not gotten married yet.

Up to that point, after he got out of jail, we were together a lot. My weekends were filled with him. We talked every day on the phone multiple times. Then I went to work full time. I had bills and responsibilities. Within that first year is when I pursued someone else. In the moment, I know I blamed him. Honestly I can’t even at this point say what blame I put on him, because I don’t think about it.

Looking back, I can again say that my commitment was weak. I also lost my control and power as I no longer had the freedom I was used to when I was in school. Our schedules didn’t match. It wasn’t as easy to be intentional at connecting, so when someone came along that I could experience “love” and caring for in my timing, I went there.

I’ve always regretted that my husband got hurt in that relationship. I learned about myself during that time and did grow so it was also hard for me to regret the actual relationship. It took me time to recover when it ended. My husband was committed and truly helped me recover. Within a month of the relationship ending, we got married the first time.

After our divorce, I got back with my daughters dad for a brief stent. It is probably the one that I regret the most because nothing good came from it. And there were too many people involved that would have been hurt had they known what happened.

The last time I stepped out was about three years after our divorce. We were again seeing each other and he was living with us. We had three kids at the time. I was working and going to school. He was working a lot. I had lost control, power, commitment, and integrity, they were all lacking in my life. I jumped on what appeared to be a caring, accepting and love relationship, breaking the heart of the one who really wanted to give me it all.

I am thankful that my husband did not give up on me. I am thankful that God worked to change my character. I can now appreciate that my husband loved me with the love of God, even though he wasn’t necessarily a Christian. I see my responsibility in the destruction of our relationship.

Prayer – Lord, I am sorry. Thank You for creating my husband to love me like You do. Help me to never take either You or him for granted again.