Are there subjects about which the people who know you would say you are psychologically sensitive? Things people avoid bringing up around you? Are there even smells, words, sounds or objects that bring up very painful memories for you?
How intense is the pain? What do you do to avoid triggering it? Sometimes we create everything about our lifestyles, including careers and routines and habits and such, all to avoid being “annoyed”, “irritated” or triggered. This can be the same as designing our lives by accident, by running from challenging emotions and situations instead of running toward love, expansion and the things that would, to paraphrase Liz Gilbert, spark a revolution in our hearts.
What would it feel like if you could be free of it? What would it take for you to be willing to allow it to come up and burn itself out?
I find myself more and more pressing in to those things I used to avoid. I want to be freed from the pain of the past and I know the only way past it is to go through it.
A lot of times, I don’t realize how painful something is to me until God reveals it to me. There are few people who will push past my resistance to make me face the reality of what I am avoiding. Even when I give others permission, they tend to back away from calling it to my attention.
Over the past few years, I have been untethered from a few things that had me bound. God revealed to me that I might have faith in Him, but I didn’t trust Him. That was hard for me to hear, but in order to move past it, I had to admit that it was true and then go forward on learning to place my trust in Him. It was an amazing journey.
He also showed me how I put more stock in what others said about me than what He said about me. He revealed several instances of things that were spoken over me that I was allowing to stop me from stepping out in obedience to Him.
He revealed to me how I had walked in pride and insecurities. It was hard for me to see how the two could go together. As He opened my eyes to how I perceived things, I could begin to let go of the false perceptions.
Closely tied to insecurities, is the newest thing that He is untethering me from. It is the spirit of rejection.
I realize that much of my life I avoided rejection by pushing others away. I found myself developing an “I don’t care what you think attitude.” and believing that I meant it. I built walls that i thought were protection around myself, closing myself off and creating more of a feeling that I didn’t belong.
I find myself being more sensitive to rejection than I ever have been before. I am sure it is more about being aware of the feeling of rejection than actually experiencing it. I am frequently reassuring myself of others perceived actions that make me feel rejected. I find myself voicing it more to others looking for that validation when I feel the pain of perceived rejection.
It’s a process. I know that God is walking me through. He has been tearing down the walls, ever so slowly for the past few years to prepare me for the untethering of my soul from rejection. He has been tearing down the lies that started from childhood to help me see that I belong in Him. He has given me truths to combat the lies that the enemy tells me in the moment.
I am not free yet, but the burden is getting lighter. The truth is coming faster. I am more open to sharing how I feel and then releasing it completely. I am not bound by the chains of the past, just trying not to let new chains form.
This post is prompted by Tara-Nicholle Nelson’s 30 Day Writing Challenge for Conscious Leaders