POD: A pregnant pause

Today’s prompt is a two-parter. It seems simple but, trust me, it’s deep.

First, read the questions below. Then, take a pregnant pause. Take 5 minutes minimum; 15 if you have them.

During your pregnant pause, listen for answers to these four questions and write down what you receive. You are not allowed to edit, to censor, to think about or to even start assessing whether the answers are realistic, silly, feasible or fantasy. Just get them down.

1. What I’d really like to say is ___________________________.
2. What I really wish is ___________________________.
3. What I’m scared to say is ___________________________.
4. What it would be really fun to do is ___________________________.

Now answer this: How might you get out of your own way, starting now, in the context of these desires, wishes or self-repressions?

Sometimes, when you do this exercise, all you learn is that you really want some ice cream. But more often, when you do this exercise, you send out bolts of your powerful spirit and energy in the direction of the boldness, desire or creation you’ve expressed in your answers. And you kickstart an energy flow within yourself in that direction, too.

• What I’d really like to say is how I truly feel inside, and yet I find this difficult to name what I can not see.
• What I really wish is that I would be able to speak freely what I need and want from the depths of my soul.  Thus I have not been able to put this into words.
• What I’m scared to say is that I need anything.  I was raised to be independent, and while I realize I am not, admitting that out loud has proven to be most difficult.
• What it would be really fun to do is spin around in circles giving praise to the Lord for He is good.

I need to get out of my own way.  I know that emotions and feelings do not have to be hidden, but need to be expressed.  I am learning to do this, but just need to step back and let them go.  Not to control me, or label me, but to allow this portion that was made in God’s image to come forth.  To see what I have been blinded to, what I have felt necessary to suppress and express what I feel both in words and emotions.

I need to step back and quit worrying what others will think and speak and write what is in the depths of my soul.  To realize that it is a lie of the enemy that what I need and want is not worthy to be told, that I should somehow feel ashamed by the things that God has placed within me.  That I would somehow believe that others can just instinctly know, what I have not been able to admit myself is true insanity.  I must be willing to share what I want and what I need.

This goes back to what I wish, except that at times I do know what I want and yet remain silent.  At times I will share with God what I need, a fleece of sorts that He cares enough about me to bring it to happen.  Yet He has, time and time again.  And there are other times I hear that still small whisper “You have not, because you ask not.”  It is okay to need help, to want help, and to need others.  God created us to be together and to depend on Him.  He places people in our lives who have strengths where I have weaknesses, and it is okay to let them be a source a strength in my life.

Worshipping the Lord in spirit, I see myself dancing before the Lord, like David did.  Spinning around with hands wide open, singing praise to Him for all He has done.  Yet, I have not found the freedom yet to do this even in the privacy of my own prayer closet.  I yearn for this to the truth in my worship, not just the spirit.  I put limitation on my praise and suck the fun out of the worship that I long to give Him.  To allow the childlike praise to come from my heart and reach the Savior for whom I give it.

How do I get out of my own way?  How do I let go of false expectations and rules of the past that never served to begin with?  How do I open my mouth and speak what my heart still does not fully acknowledge?  One word – choice.  I have the ability to choose to let go of these past restrictions and walk freely in what God designed me to be.  He wants me to have the desires of my heart.  He wants me to ask, sot hat it can be given to me.  He wants me to know myself and be known by others as He knows me.  He wants me to praise Him fully and freely for all that He is and all He has done.  It is a choice, will I give myself pause to make it?

This post is prompted by Tara-Nicholle Nelson’s 30 Day Writing Challenge for Conscious Leaders.