“You don’t know someone until you know what they want.” It was a quote in a movie playing on the television. I suppose it caught my attention because I have been searching for what I truly want in life. The statement made me pause, because if I’m honest, maybe I don’t really know myself.
I feel like the last three years God has been taking me on a journey to learn more about myself and what I want. Without hesitation there are things that I can state “I want.” I want my husband, children, grandchildren, and extended family to have a personal walk with God and to fulfill His plans for their lives. I want to be able to help those who are hurting, especially women, find healing and wholeness that is found only in Christ. I want to live my life to the fullest, bringing glory and honor to God with every word and action. I want to build others up in their faith and encourage their personal walk with God. I want to see the Church being the hands and feet of Christ in relationship with the hurting world around us.
Those are all very large goals, ones that have to be planted and tended too. Yet, I know God cares about the little desires of my heart too. Those little wants, that is where I find myself lost. I need to know myself better to be able to put words to my wants. I suppose after decades of daughterhood, motherhood, and wifedom I have lost track of who I am. I have forgotten what its like to know what I want for myself because I’m used to meeting the needs of others and compromising my desires in the wake of that. I am content where I am at now, but I know there is more. I have people who would give me what I want. My issue is, I don’t have a clue as to what I want.
I see God working in this area too. The more I draw close to God, the more He reveals to me about myself. I know that much of the revelation is part of the pruning process. He is showing me things He needs removed from my life that are hindering His plans and purpose for my life.
There are still a few areas where I have to receive the Lord’s discipline. Areas where I try to hang on to things that He has already told me need to go. For the most part though, I see God cleaning up my life to promote new growth and more fruit.
Sometimes I see the baggage that needs to be removed as He starts peeling back the layers. I can see what is laying just under the surface, even if I can’t quite put my hands on it. It’s like God knows that I need the preparation time before the pruning time to be able to handle the amount of pruning that needs to happen.
I have to be careful not to allow others to put their opinions on me in areas where God wants to prune. Others can’t see what God wants to do, only what He has already done. I have to guard my heart and His plans and purpose or I may settle for less than He desires. If I let the opinion of others build up what God has already done it will take my focus off what God wants to do.
Other times, I am completely caught off guard at what He reveals to me. I realize how little I know about myself. Sometimes as I share this area with others, they can identify it right away. The parts of me others clearly see, but I am unaware of at least consciously. Other areas that catch me off guard, are the deeply buried, tightly tucked away pieces of my past that have shaped who I am so firmly that I can no longer identify the origin of the behavior or thought pattern. These are areas that God deals with slowly or when I have time to press into His presence for extended time and really allow Him to deal with the hidden places in my heart. It is scary and liberating all at the same time.
I know that the God I serve knows me better than I will ever know myself. He knows exactly what He created me for. He knows what I need to remove or add to my life, and when that needs to happen. If I take the time to really get quiet before Him, He can reveal to me everything I need to know about myself. I can listen to His voice and allow Him to heal the broken pieces and learn what I want, and who I really am. Only when I am seeking Him with my whole heart, will God be able to give me the desires of my heart.