Resistance Genome

TPOD #7: Your Resistance Genome

I read the prompt this morning, and decided I wasn’t ready to conquer my resistance genome.  I  set my phone down, rolled over, put the blanket over my head and went back to sleep.  Of course, the prompt was still there three hours later, and being a task oriented person – ready or not, I realize I can not avoid it forever.

Like my initial response this morning, resistance shows up for me as avoiding.  I avoid starting.  I avoid applying myself.  I avoid showing up.  I avoid the personal connection.  Avoidance shows up in over commitment. I am filled with excuses that without someone who will stand up to them, sound reasonable to the listening ear.  I can even get others to make excuses for why I  avoid.

I am a procrastinator.  I do work relatively well with a deadline; however, much of life does not come with a deadline, other than death.  And so I often avoid starting.  If is don’t start it, I won’t feel any sense of failure for not completing it, for there is always tomorrow.   I can feel the urge to do it, but by avoiding to start, I can resist the outcome.

I avoid applying myself.  Somewhere inside of me is a book smart person, who avoids coming out.  I can say that with confidence as my track record backs it up.  In junior high, I missed half a semester of school and still made honor roll.  In high school, I graduated a year early, fifth in my class.  In college, I read two books and finished all three of my degrees with cum laude and magna cum laude designations.  Looking back, that is not something I’m proud of, but I was never challenged to apply myself.  I was able to skate by and do good.

Part of the DNA of my resistance is to avoid showing up; this is worse than not starting, a form of procrastination because I tell myself I will start someday.  I often avoid by failing to put myself out there at all.  Sometimes I convince myself I can’t show-up.  I do some of the negative self-talk of why I am not good enough or qualified.  However, most of my avoiding to show up comes from the pride talk.  I tell myself that it is not something I was called to do; but that it is the narcissistic part of my past that wants me to be the center of the world again.  I avoid showing up because I don’t want to do something that brings attention to me.  I don’t want to do things with the wrong motive, so instead I don’t do them at all.

Avoiding making a personal connection is another way my resistance genome shows itself.  I have built a fortress around myself over the years avoiding true personal connection.  One part of me longs for connection, but a bigger part of me has such clearly defined boundaries that I don’t provide opportunity for others to get to know me.  I know a lot of people, but I’m bad with names because I don’t take the time to invest in relationships.  Not that I am resistant to relationships, if someone puts for the effort I meet them there – I am just not one to initiate it.

Tonight as my preacher was sharing on worry and read a scripture that mentioned a garrison.  A garrison is the troops stationed in a fortress or town to defend it.  A little grin of excuse escaped the corner of my mouth as I thought about this writing challenge.  My maiden name is Garris.  I know that many immigrants dropped “son” off their names when they migrated.  I knew it was just a familial trait that I am battling with the personal connection.

Sometimes avoiding comes in the form of over commitment.  I can stay busy 24/7 with productive things, that are not what I have been called to do.  I can complete everything on my list of “to-dos” and not do the one thing that I knew I was supposed to do that day to help me in the journey to my destiny.  Just because I can do something, doesn’t mean I should do it.

The resistance genome shows up in many different ways, usually when I think about doing something outside my comfort zone, or something that requires self-discipline, or consistency.  Last year, I decided that it was time to get serious with my weight loss journey.  I needed to lose over a hundred pounds, and while I am still healthy, I figured it was time.  I started the year off with Weight Watchers.  I found it a good program for me because I could eat what I wanted, had some wiggle room with weekly points, and could start over each day.  All of these were areas I had struggled with in dieting previously.

I started out just watching my food intake.  I didn’t attempt to increase my activity, just tracking my food.  When my mother passed, I decided that the time I had spent  with my mother, I would join the gym.  It wouldn’t create any changes in my schedule, so I started swimming.  I told myself when I reached a certain weight I would join a water class.  I did that in June.  I was very successful in my weight loss until October, since that time the resistance genome has completely sabotaged my efforts.  I have been trying to lose the same ten pounds for the past seven months.  Why?  Because I set a goal that when I lose those ten pounds, I would start a land class.  I went to one and watched in October, I was very much outside my comfort zone.  So instead I have just avoided eating right.  I put it off.  I have been over booked for my regular exercise routine.  I haven’t been applying what I know for healthy living.  Binge eating and relaxation have been my comfort zone.

In my career, I love what I am doing, but I know that there is a deeper level that I could be operating at.  I avoid putting myself out there and instead just wait to be discovered.  When I see a need, I meet it.  If someone asks for help, I am there with resources.  Yet, I have a dream of something more.  One day I will stop avoiding, maybe tomorrow.