Impressions

I’ve been keeping a secret.  It was a startling discovery.  I suppose I have done a good job as people seem surprised by the revelation. People I thought knew me pretty well.  At the same time, it has saddened me that people don’t really know me.  It is mostly my fault; despite being an open book.  I am admittedly hard to get to know.  Trust takes work that most people aren’t willing to do.  I don’t readily share personal information, only when asked, if it is relevant to something, or it will help someone.  The rest of the time, I hide my secret.

However, I have been reading a book by Beth Moore that encourages me to share my secret, so here goes. 

I’m insecure.

Yes, me the lion / choleric personality.  The one who always has something to say, regardless the topic.  The one who is outspoken on topics I am passionate about.  The one who is brazen and often loutish.  The one who can find an answer to almost any question, acting like a no-it-all when I know very little.  Yes, despite appearances, it is all a facade.

I am insecure.

It was harder for me to name, because there are certain things as I’ve been reading that I certainly do not relate to on any level.  I picked up the book for a reason.  Although I couldn’t pinpoint why, I knew I needed to read it.  Although my insecurity didn’t “look like other people’s,” it was there, lurking in the background.  Most days it was easy to cover-up but there are certain things that would just eat away at my security and they would creep up in the oddest of place.

I read through the first ninety-nine pages and although a few lines caught my attention, I wasn’t finding what I was looking for in So Long, Insecurity, you’ve been a bad friend to us by Beth Moore.  Then I got to page one hundred and was face to face with the why behind my insecurity.  It was humbling to see my insecurities labeled so clearly.  The rest of the chapter just made it so clear.

Be careful of the impressions you pick up from others.  Looks can be deceiving.  Even when you spend a great deal of time with someone.  Or those people who seem more standoffish, may really just have a lot of layers that need to be peeled away.  Those bold people, they likely face some of the same feelings you do they just manifest differently.  Impressions are often wrong.

Since I found the why, I have had a harder time finishing the book.  I want to address my insecurity, but that unknown is also real.  I am still swirling in the reality of my why.  I know I won’t stay there.  I already know regardless of my feelings, I am secure in Christ.  That knowledge has changed a lot, even when those moments spring up on me.  I have a foundation I can go back to and hold on to – a solid Truth to displace the lies.  The journey ahead is unknown, but I’m pressing forward with Christ to overcome my insecurity by turning it into walking securely with Christ.