Have you ever been just traveling along life’s merry way, minding your own business, maybe knowing something was a little off, but not making too big of a deal about it. Being in a funk, but not being able to pinpoint anything that is particularly wrong. This season too shall pass you tell yourself. Then out of nowhere you are sideswiped with the reality that you may be doing the right things, but your mind has taken you down a path you ought not travel.
I guess that is where I have found myself over the past two months. If someone asked me what was wrong, the answer is nothing. Really, nothing is wrong. I look at my life and I know that I am blessed beyond measure. I have God in my heart. I have a terrific husband and our marriage seems to be stronger than ever before. I have three children who are pretty good young adults – not perfect, but good people. I have three adorable grandchildren that I have a good relationship with and see frequently. I have a job that is fulfilling and that I find purpose in daily. I have good people in my life to call friends. I enjoy volunteering in my community and have connected with programs that I feel connected with personally. I attend a church that is passionate about Christ and challenges me to go deeper in my walk with Him. I live in a great community. My needs are all met. Most days I can honestly say I love my life.
I really did not know that the weight I was feeling was an unspoken, unrecognized feeling that I really just felt like giving up. It has been a rough ten months emotionally. My mom went from being in assisted living, to a nursing home, to hospice from September to January. Outside of my husband, my mom has been my rock and closest friend since 2001 when my best friend from childhood passed away. Although I worked full-time, when I wasn’t at work I was at my mother’s side after she was placed on hospice, or I was at church, with my grandkids, or sleeping. Then March 25th she passed away and life went on for me.
Fast forward three an a half months, a few people who know me well are still asking if everything is okay especially on days when I seem particularly off. I think they are overall. I mean, yes I know I’m still grieving my mother’s loss and some days are rougher than others, but I have activities that I am interested in doing. I allow myself those moments, and then I move forward. Then I am sitting in a prayer meeting, and in prayer from another comes words that pierce my heart and soul.
Had it not been said in the way she said it, I would not have thought it pertained to me, but God used words from my past to speak to this unconscious problem in my life. I didn’t realize how close i was to being spent completely. Yet God did. He knew my heart, even the parts I haven’t shared with others. In those words I realized that I was teetering on the edge of discontentment. That discontentment was eating away at my heart and soul. Although I had not taken any negative action, I realized I was on the edge of either a breakdown or a breakthrough.
He sent someone who couldn’t possibly know to speak words I needed to hear, to jolt me back to reality. He gave her words to speak that would get my attention, even though they were spoken in a general prayer. He cares enough to shake me awake, even when I don’t realize I am dozing. I would have continued out on the ledge, had He not shown me the danger I was in there.
Going back is sometimes easy, it is the path we have already taken. Despite any obstacles we have faced, we know that we were able to overcome them. Going forward into the unknown, it can bring uncertainty. There are times in our life where things seem blurry and although we can’t see the danger ahead or around us, if we are sensitive to His voice He will show us even when we are not aware. He will help us see danger that it is our future so that we can take precautions and not suffer the consequences of not heeding his warning.
This is so honestly and beautifully written. I am sorry for the loss of your friend and your mom.
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