I’ve been married for seventeen years. This is our second marriage to each other so we have been through a few things. Nicki Koziarz said about acceptance “we can either go through it or grow through it.” I believe that when we go through things, we tend to repeat them until we grow through them.
I have a strong personality and I was raised in a home where my mom was the leader. Although I knew that this was not how God created marriage to be; letting go of control was not something that I wanted to do. Add to it the fact that my husband does not walk out a Christian lifestyle, and I felt justified to do things my way.
As our kids were growing up, I was in charge. The children knew that if they wanted something, I would be the one to decide if they could have it. If dad said no, I would change his mind. If I said no, the answer was no. If dad said yes, I could turn it into no. If I said yes, it would happen regardless. It wasn’t just about the children, I had to be in control over everything. I controlled our finances. I controlled the household. I had no problem letting my husband know anything and everything that he did that was no in line with how I thought it should be. I was not a nice person, but I was in control. My household was not a happy place either. We continued to go through this year after year, as I refused to see anything wrong with my behavior.
Usually in the process of going through, God is doing some pruning trying to grow something more. Little by little, I knew God was showing me that this is not how he designed marriage to be. Regardless of how my husband lived, God called me to submit to him. He showed me that if I submitted to my husband; as long as he wasn’t asking me to do something against God’s law, that God would honor it. God is the head, then my husband. If I submit to my husband, I am submitting to God. If I don’t submit to my husband, I am rebelling against God. This was definitely a slow process for God to really get though to an independent, control-freak, who loves to argue. In the mean time, I continued to go through a difficult marriage.
When I totally surrendered to what I felt God was showing me, my household changed dramatically. Although there are times that my control-freak fleshy self still rises up, there is such a peace now. I have a joy that comes only from God. My husband is much happier. My children are grown, but they see a different side of mom now. They always seem a little shocked when I look to my husband for decisions.
I realize and freely admit that my husband needs to lead. He still doesn’t walk out a Christian lifestyle, but he has changed in amazing ways. I know God is working. However, I think God has been slow to work because I had so much growing to do. God has been working out so many things in my life that I might not have let Him deal with if there weren’t times I felt I was walking all alone down this Christian path. My roots in Him are much deeper and the fruit in my life is more abundant.