We live in a society where people ask “how are you?,” without really caring about the response. It’s a passing question, where again how you truly are is ignored. You learn to put on the mask of “fine.” or “great.” even when the world is crashing down around you.
I think that most people have a feeling or two that they are disconnected with or aren’t sure what to do with the feeling. Some people are afraid of the overwhelming sadness they may feel. Other’s may be fearful of the intense rage that burns on their insides or that they see in others. Some people don’t think they have a right to feel happy. Other’s have learned to manipulate people with their feelings, and thus lie to themselves about how they feel.
Feelings in my personal world have been irrelevant. No one in my life was begging me to share how I felt. I am not effected by the feelings of others. I can hear an emotional story, and although it may tug at my heart, it rarely causes an emotional response. Feelings of others do not intimidate me. They do not scare me. I can identify them and label them for others. I can delve in to people’s feelings and help them learn where those feelings are rooted. I was okay with feelings unless they were mine.
When you grow up in a home where secrets abound and feelings are ignored, you quickly learn to stop feeling. You learn to put on a mask, and eventually lose connection of what you truly feel. My feelings never generated a response in someone else, and I was left to deal with them on my own. As a young child confusion wasn’t met with answers, but annoyance at my questions. Tears weren’t met with comfort, they went unnoticed. Success wasn’t met with praise, it was looked over or compared to something better.
So as an adult when I needed to come in touch with my feelings I felt lost and overwhelmed. It was easy to deny I had a problem, the walls from my childhood were not visible. God started the work months before I would need to share with anyone how “I feel.” I think if he hadn’t, I would have backed away when it came time to share them with others.
I feel overwhelmed that I have a Savior and Lord who cares enough about me, to reveal things slowly to me that need to be changed. I feel extremely blessed that at the right time, God put people in my life that would give me a safe place to express my brokenness. I feel so grateful that I have people in my life that will let me cry, and laugh, and rant without judging. I feel sad at times, because I have a lot of pent up emotions that God is slowly rolling out and revealing to me the root of my actions.
Today, although part of me still fears the personal, private and solitary pain that I have built walls around; I feel that God will safely walk me through as He takes each brick down and lets me process what is behind it. I feel excited to see, what He will use those bricks to build, for with God, nothing is wasted.
This post is prompted by the Tuesday@Ten blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt phrase” as a part of your writing. Whether it be just writing a story behind the phrase or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose. You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you.