For the past three weeks I have been going back and forth with God regarding the issue of disobedience. There is a particular area in my life where I want to see change, but my valiant efforts have failed. I seem to go around this mountain over and over again. I am tired of going around it, I just can’t seem to break free from the cycle.
There was a short series of events, where I knew God was impressing on me the key to breaking the cycle I have been on for so many years. I had two words spoken over me by two people who were not aware of what I have been struggling with lately. One word was the day before extended prayer, the other was after God’s revelation from my past.
During a prayer time three weeks ago, I heard “Disobedience is a lack of trust.” I pondered on this for a while. I see faith and trust together. Faith is the evidence of things not seen. Trust is the belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
I have never questioned my faith. I believe God is who He says He is and can do what He says He will. When I pray for something, I don’t doubt that it will happen. I have seen the impossible happen after the prayer of faith. So I was stuck how I can have faith and not trust. I just kept praying “God show me what is blocking me.”
It took a lot longer for me to get a revelation of where my trust had gone wrong. I had to admit to God and myself that not only do I not trust in God, I also don’t trust anyone else. I saw where in my childhood, and then another event later in life broke my trust in the same manner. I had never looked at the events in the light God showed them to me. Someone who was suppose to be there to comfort me, help me, and provide that sense of security had walked away from that role and responsibility at a time I needed them to fill that role most.
These are the same areas that my trust us lacking. I don’t trust people to comfort me. Up until two years ago, I didn’t seek comfort at all, I kept it inside. God began doing a work on me to see that it is okay to have feelings. It’s a slow process, but one I have been walking forward in for two years. Its a struggle just to trust my own feelings, let alone to share with others. God has placed me in a few places where I have started to do this over this same time frame.
I don’t trust people to help me, however I love to help people. I have a hard time accepting help. Again I am working on this. I always ask people who refuse to let others help, how helping makes them feel to help. After they tell me, I ask if they want to rob others of that same feeling. For some reason, I haven’t been able to take my own advice. I have an even harder time asking for help. This has been a hard battle, but a few times I have asked for help with specific things. I have found my request met every time. This has to be a start in the right direction.
I haven’t trusted a sense of security other than myself until eighteen months ago. I have prided myself on being independent. It’s true pride goes before the fall. When I fell, God and one of the one’s who failed me were there to be my security. For the next few months, I became completely dependent on them.
I am still learning about this journey of trust. I know that abiding is the key to building trust. I know that trust is the key to breaking this cycle in my life. I know that God will help me in this process. I also know that when this cycle is finished, He will begin pruning in another area. I am ready for it.
Jackie, thank you so much for writing this. You know, I always talk about how I “came back to faith” a year ago, but what I didn’t realize till I read your post, is that I in fact never lost my faith. I never ever stopped believing in God, that He exists and can do mighty things. I saw His mighty works as a child and will never forget how He provided for our family, when we were missionaries overseas.
Faith is God’s gift to us and I am blessed to have received that at the tender age of four when I asked Him into my heart. And yet, my trust in God was broken when those close to me broke my trust, just like you experienced. Slowly but surely God has been showing me that He in fact never broke my trust and that I stopped leaning on, feeling safe and being confident (Hebrew meaning of trust) in Him because my trust in Him was built on the idol I had created of others around me. Your story is an encouragement to me because it shows me I am not alone in the battle of learning to trust again. Thank you for your words. Together, let’s keep stepping into our fears, risking, so that we might discover the freedom of facing our greatest fears in the knowledge that He will never leave or forsake us. Bless you for your vulnerability here.
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Anna, thank you for sharing. It is a encouragement also.