No Healing in the Hidden

I was listening to a training today that was sharing a therapy session. The therapist asked the client what the cue of danger was that the client’s nervous system was experiencing. “The client responded “Getting too close.” The therapist then asked “Too close to me or too close to something inside you? Or too close to what?” The question struck me, but then the client responded “The connection to the known.” and that felt even more real.

Sometimes, when it comes to my own emotions or responses from my own nervous system to emotions and feels, I don’t have the words. I can help other’s find their words but tuning in to my own responses has been difficult. So hearing the question, and really tuning into what came up for me on the moment got my attention.

I grew up in a home where emotional connection was not really present on any consistent basis. I love and respect my parents and learned many valuable lessons from them. They met my basic needs, but due to their own stuff they were not there for me emotionally. They didn’t help me understand my own feelings and emotions. Maybe in part, that is why I became a therapist, to give to others what I needed most.

This morning with that simple comment, I felt known in a moment of safety. I don’t generally feel safe allowing myself to be known at an emotional level, by myself or others. I struggle to allow myself to get too close to my own emotions and feelings, even though I know there is no healing in the hidden. I admit, I don’t agree with all aspects of the theory that I was training on, but this is something that really made it hit home for me personally. Having words for what I have hid for many years, the things that come up every time I am close to really being seen and known. To hear I am not alone in this fear that comes up of being seen or known by myself or others and to know that it is an issue of safety.

As I continued to explore what came up in me, I realized that I have shared my testimony from the vantage point of what shaped me. I can tell the facts of my life. I have also been able to connect my story back to those who have helped shape me. At some level this is emotional but tied to past feelings. Those feelings are generally positive towards people but at times evoke an emotional state. I can see how God used events for His kingdom purpose and glory and share those lessons that I have learned.

I am starting to realize that my real story is about my response to what shaped me. Those events that have shaped my life, many were outside of my control. All are in the past and cannot be changed. I need to go deeper if I want to find safety and connection. There is no healing in the hidden.

In some areas, I have started to take responsibility for my actions and those I have hurt along the way. Although I realize much of that was done to resolve my own guilt and not necessarily in connection with the pain that I caused. They might not have seen the motive of my heart, but I know what it was and hope that the words I offered brought healing anyway. I have to learn to be honest with myself, with God and with others about the thoughts and emotions that have been tied to my own actions because there is no healing in the hidden.