No More

Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Ephesians 4:31

Recently I recognized that I was withholding from my husband. It was a client who shared her own response that made me recognize the behavior in myself. I started to realize there were certain areas of my life that I wasn’t trusting my husband with. I was holding back instead of being emotionally vulnerable.

If he noticed, he didn’t say anything. When I brought it up to him, he seemed to be surprised. I was looking to him to help me find the root of my behavior.

In true God Fashion God brought me to a journal that I had written 19 years earlier that showed me the root. I hadn’t recognized the bitterness that had taken root. I thought I had released the anger. We stopped the passion of arguing and insults that plagued that season of our lives. I didn’t realize I had buried the hateful feelings inside instead of working through them.

It was only in seeing my reactions in another that I saw the truth. My husband was my best friend. We could talk about anything and everything when we were dating, during our first marriage, and even years following our divorce. I was able to tell him things he probably didn’t want to hear during time our time apart about my relationship with others. Although I remember the pain in his eyes, he was a safe person for me to talk to.

It is not surprising I blocked my mind to when he became not safe in some areas. I buried it in my memory as I built walls to protect myself. Although he changed in those areas, where the trust was broken, I never allowed the walls to come back down. I never allowed him access to those areas so that he could rebuild the trust. I just protected myself from the one person who didn’t need to protect myself from because we are one flesh.

Instead of just burying the past and pretending like all is good, I have to pull out the roots. I have to speak to the messages I told myself during that season so long ago. I have to be intentional with my actions and words to tear down every wall that I allowed to take up space in our marriage. I have to be intentional at pulling him close in every area until the discomfort fades in a relationship is restored to what God created it to be. God doesn’t design good, he designs very good! He wants my marriage to be very good!

Lord forgive me for closing myself off from my husband and from You. I say You because I don’t think You would have allowed me to keep these walls up so long. You would have helped me to reconcile before now. Lord I ask You to help me in tearing down those walls and in allowing my husband into every area of my life. I ask that You would teach me to be vulnerable with him again in every area knowing that he loves me and cares about me. Lord in areas where trust is hard, I trust You knowing that You hold my heart and I can trust You to protect me. I don’t need walls or my own protective measures. I ask these things in Jesus name amen.