It’s been over two weeks since I wrote in more than my journal. I haven’t had the words to write, they are all wrapped up in my thoughts and feelings. I have been trying to process where I am at, in the midst of uncertainty.
Last week, I was looking forward to writing on trust. Instead, I got the call that my mother was back in the hospital. She was in a-fib and a hypotension state. Wednesday to Saturday I did the hospital vigil staying with my mom, waiting to talk with the doctors.
Friday the cardiologist explained that my mother’s heart was functioning at 35% – a 20% decline from September. They were struggling to keep her heart rate down and her blood pressure up. Three of her heart valves are failing – this part was not new news to me, but it was explained in such a way that the reality of her prognosis was made clear. The battle between keeping her heart rate down and her blood pressure up was a fine balance. Keeping the function of her kidneys in balance with the fluid off her heart was already a tight line.
She had decided what she was willing to do far before her heart issues turned into kidney issues and when her decision making skills were still in tact. Yet, still making the decision to call in hospice was emotionally draining, regardless of how I thought I had prepared myself.
What I know, and have focused on for the past twelve days, is that we are embracing the life that she has left. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, yet so many times we take that for granted. Embracing life means being present with the people we are surrounded by. It is taking the time to embrace the good days, process the hard times, and enjoy every moment. It is about celebrating the little signs of the woman that she is, and going with the flow when she talks about crazy things. It’s about holding her hand, deep hugs, and kisses. It’s about sharing the memories, talking about the struggles, and reassuring her that she did the best she could with what she had.
Embracing life is not easy. It means saying things that are easier left unsaid. It means shedding tears that don’t want to stop. It means allowing yourself to feel everything, even when it is hard. It means being honest with yourself, with God, and with the people you love. It means taking things one day, and sometimes one minute at a time – don’t wait until it is to late to embrace life.
This post is prompted by the Tuesday@Ten blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt phrase” as a part of your writing. Whether it be just writing a story behind the phrase or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose. You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you.